I Gave Up

Mark 9:23-24

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I give up. I can’t do this. If it’s going to work, you’re going to have to do it. I gave up, and it was the best thing for me.

I’ve had a few seasons of doubt in my life, which can sound weird to hear from a pastor, but it actually started with the fact that I was really, really good in high school at talking about my faith. I was in this class, I remember sitting there and the teacher, he had said, we’re not going to talk about religion in this class, but I just want you all to know what I think. And what he said didn’t match at all with the Christian gospel. So I raised my hand and I told him he was wrong, and we had a debate and I was winning. So he brought the principal down to try to win the debate. He didn’t win. I didn’t really win either. We kind of just decided to have a draw. But afterwards, all these people in school were asking me questions about Jesus and about God, and I was really, really good at answering all their questions.

But then there came this point. After my junior year of high school, I went to this big event where there were all these people from all these different countries and different backgrounds and I was in a room where there was this speaker and there was like a thousand people in there, and he was saying things that were totally anti my faith. And as all these people were cheering him, I just felt that I could not withstand all the voices, all the pressure. I started feeling like, wait a minute, he’s saying some things that I don’t necessarily know the answers to. What if I can’t answer all these questions? What if I can’t stand up against all these people? My faith started to crumble a bit. It was because I was so good at answering the questions that my faith started to crumble, because I had depended so much on myself and my own ability, I started to have this fear arise because what if I’m not smart enough? What if I don’t know the answers enough? And I really start to wrestle.

God brought me through that first season of doubt shortly after I was a pastor, I had another season. At that point, I started seeing some posts online from a friend of mine who didn’t believe in God, and I was like, now that I’m a pastor, I really know what I’m talking about now. Now I’m going to answer all these questions. I got a little bit of progress, but then I actually started to realize that some of the answers I came to before were insufficient. They felt too small, and I realized I couldn’t answer all the questions. And then I started to get to where it was just weighing on me so much that I realized I was not being there for the people around me. I wasn’t doing what I really needed to do, and that’s when I finally I was like, God, if it’s going to happen, you’re going to have to do it, because I can’t. I can’t keep trying to figure this out because it’s just it’s too much for me and it’s negatively affecting the people around me.

And I wanted to share that with you today, because sometimes, too, you might get to a point where you are doubting so much, you’re like, I cannot figure this out. And if you get to that point, I want you to look right here and realize I’m still here. I’m still a Christian. God met me in my doubt, and actually it was realizing that I can’t figure it out myself. That was actually the gateway to really experiencing more of his grace. I think about in Mark chapter nine, where there is this man who has a son who’s been demon possessed, and he comes and he asks Jesus to heal him, and he says, if you can help me. And Jesus says, anything is possible for him who believes. And then this man says, Lord, I believe. Help me overcome my unbelief. (Mark 9:23-24) And I love then that Jesus goes and he heals that man’s son. That man didn’t have to get rid of all the unbelief before Jesus met him. Jesus met him in this place where that man believed but also was struggling with unbelief. That’s where God met me, and that’s where he can meet you too.

I think I had this idea that I had to defeat the unbelief myself, but God never leaves us to try to win the victory ourself. God always does it for us. Jesus came into this world to take your sin and mine onto himself. He died for it on the cross. He rose again to set us right with God. Even our faith is a gift from God. It’s never about us and depending on us. You get to depend on him and you can trust him to meet you there. And it was amazing for me as I was trusting God and putting it all in his hands. It’s not like it just automatically everything was perfect. That’s not how it worked. But as I continued to read God’s Word and just wait for him to work, it’s amazing. I started to realize that some of my questions were too small for God’s big answers. That’s part of why I think God didn’t want to give me the answers I was looking for, because my questions weren’t big enough. He’s taught me so many new things. I still have plenty of questions, but I’ve come to realize that I don’t need to be able to answer all the questions. Instead, I just get to trust in him. You get to trust in him too. He meets you in your doubt. Jesus met you on the cross. The spirit met you to give you faith. God can meet you where you are today.

Lord, if it’s going to work, I’m going to need you. That’s actually a great place to be.